Way too much bitching and complaining around here lately...so I\'ll lighten the mood with some dirty jokes!
What\'s the ultimate rejection?
When you\'re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other one.
Why do the Welsh shag sheep on cliff edges?
So the sheep push back harder!
What\'s better than a rose on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.
How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we\'re starting to get on each other\'s nerves. Why don\'t we split up today. I\'ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we\'ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.
"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn\'t find her head."
An old man and woman, after flirting with each other for years, agree to make love. One day when all the other residents are on a day out, the old man impatiently rushes to the old dear\'s room.
Nervously, he asks her if there is anything that she prefers. She repies that she quite enjoys a bit of cunnilingus.
With a big grin, the old guy goes south. However, after a few seconds, the man pops back up and says, "I\'m sorry, but I just can\'t bear the smell."
She thinks for a moment ans says, "It must be the arthritis."
"There\'s no way you can get arthritis down there," he says, "And even if you could, it wouldn\'t smell as bad as that."
"No the arthritis is in my shoulder," she says, "I can\'t wipe my arse."
