What do condoms and women have in common?
They\'re either on your dick or in your wallet!
What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing, they’re stuck up bitches
At the exact same time there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is receiving oral sex from a 98 year old woman. They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. What are they both thinking? Don’t look down!
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the banks internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes Scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank’s audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we’ll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, Uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.
Didja hear that diarrhea\'s hereditary?
Yeah, it runs in the jeans!
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It’s fart football." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7." Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed. The wife looks and says, "What was that?" The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."
