the official Walsh would be proud- Bad Joke Thread

[derickw]

i run across a interesting joke or two every now and then but can\'t always remember them or hear a funny joke and never have the opportunity to bust it out so i\'m going to start this stupid thread and NOT yell in your ear telling it. We... well up here in RI a radio station every week has a segment they call stump the DJ and people call up with jokes and the radio guys try to guess the punchlines.... some are pretty damn funny.


Micheal Jackson and his wife have a kid and Micheal asks...
"how long before we can have sex"
and the doctor goes...
"i would wait till he\'s at least 12......."



Q: What do you call the wife of a Hippie?  

A: Mississippi.


:rimshot:

[booztravlr]

great idea

This guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. As he is waiting for his drink he sees this sign on the wall. ‘If you can make this horse laugh, the bar will give you $100’. The man thinks to himself as he sips his beer. He then takes the horse out back behind the bar. When he comes inside the horse is laughing hysterically (insert horse laugh). The bartender asks how the man was able to do this, but he keeps it to himself and just collects his $100. A few days later the same man walks into the bar. He sits down and sees a different sign on the wall. ‘If you can make this horse cry, the bar will give you $500.’ After a few moments of thinking the man again takes the horse our back. Within a minute the man and horse come back inside and the horse is frantically crying. The bartender is shocked to see such a thing. He then says, “I will give you the $500 but you must first tell me how you made this horse laugh one day then cry today.” The man replies, “Last time I told the horse I had a bigger dick than him. This time I showed him."

[derickw]

nice one!

[booztravlr]

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, \'Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?\' The kid says, \'Yeah.\' The cop says, \'Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.\' The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, \'By the way, that\'s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?\' Humouring the kid, the cop says, \'Yeah, he sure did.\' The kid says, \'Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.\'

[derickw]

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the women
became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.  Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the
other.  His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.  By this time the women was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.  "Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.  He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

[BennyBoomers]

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the women
became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.  Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the
other.  His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.  By this time the women was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.  "Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.  He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

LOLersk8tes!
great idea indeed

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I\'m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[derickw]

^^^^ nice!

[Whathefunk]

ahh what the hell...

A man walks into a bar with a head the size of a tennis ball.  When he sits down the bartender asks him what he\'ll have.  The guy says, "Well its been a long day, give me something strong."  The bartender returns with a whiskey and asks the guy about his day.  The guy says, "its a long story, but here it goes;"

"I was taking a walk in the woods, like i do every sunday, but this time I tripped and fell.  I looked back to see what i stumbled on, and it was a genies lamp.  So the first thing I do is pick it up and give it a rub.  To my surprise, the most beautiful being you could ever imagine popped out and she told me she would grant any wish that I had."
"Nice," said the bartender.
"Yeah well, enchanted by how amazingly beautiful this genie was the first thing that came to mind was to ask her to marry me."
"What did she say?" asked the bartender.
"She said that she couldn\'t possibly do that, because she was a genie and I was a human."
"Thats too bad, so what did you wish for after that."
"I asked her to have sex with me. But she said she couldn\'t do that either."
"I\'m sorry buddy" The bartender said, "What did you wish for after that?"
"So i just said..."  The guy replied, "How \'bout a little head?"

[Lexington]

there are three guys on their way back from a raging christmas party when the driver skids on  some black ice and the car crashes, killing all three.  they find themsaelves standing at the pearly gates, faced by none other than Saint Peter himself.  He says to th the three guys " if you want to pass through the pearly gates you must each show me a little christmas spirit."

what, have you heard this one?
fuck it

so the first guy thinks for a sec then pulls out his lighter and flicks the flame. \'"look St. Pete, christmas lights!" he says.  Saint Peter allows him to enter the pearly gates.  the second guy thinks for a sec then pulls out his keys and jingles them.  "Look, its jingle bells!" he says. Saint Peter lets him into heaven.  The third guy thiks for a sec then pulls out some panties from his back pocket. "What are those?!" asks Saint Peter.  The third guy says, "They\'re Carol\'s!"

not really dirty, but i heard it from a dirty old man

[tyzack]

If you guys like jokes, and even more so jokes told on the radio, then I would like to suggest y\'all check out Prairie Home Companions Great Joke Show, annually, whenever they do it.

My favourite joke of all time comes from there:
"Why do elephants post their toe nails red?"
"So they can hide in cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?"
"No."
"It must work pretty well then, eh?"

[SlimPickens]

If you guys like jokes, and even more so jokes told on the radio, then I would like to suggest y\'all check out Prairie Home Companions Great Joke Show, annually, whenever they do it.

My favourite joke of all time comes from there:
"Why do elephants post their toe nails red?"
"So they can hide in cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?"
"No."
"It must work pretty well then, eh?"

That might be the worst joke ever.  Right up there with:  Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks "why the long face?"

[siflandollie]

Here\'s a joke my bass teacher told me years ago, if you play bass you may find it funny.  The joke is that motherfuckers always start talking during bass solos...

So a married couple go to a psychiatrist because they are having marriage problems.  The psychiatrist asks the man what the problem is.  He replies, "It\'s my wife, she never says anything to me, we haven\'t spoken in years!"  The psychiatrist then turns to the woman and asks the same question.  She replies, "I don\'t know whats wrong with him, he never says anything to me."  The psychiatrist then tries everything he can to make them talk to one another, but it doesn\'t work.
So he stands up and walks to his closet, grabs a bass and amplifer and sets them up on his desk.  He starts ripping out the most amazing bass solo and the couple immediately start talking.

[booztravlr]

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy wants some dirty fun and says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, “Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!?

She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think he\'s too far in."




A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you\'re going?" he says. "I\'m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I\'m coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"




Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "Oh no! That’s not how I want to spend all eternity......."   They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says "Oh no! Not for me!"

They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, "Hmmm, looks okay to me. I’ll take it." The Devil then says, "Good. Hey Monica, you’ve been replaced."

[tmn8r1]

Be careful when you are feeling down. I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

badoom boom.

[derickw]

Be careful when you are feeling down. I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

badoom boom.

you don\'t see me hopping around talking about playing this note and that composition....... please.... keep doing what you do and leave the joke telling to the professionals.


just kidding tmn8r. always glad to see contributions