As a Mets fan of 20 years who\'s been in exile since April I\'d like to offer a prediction:
Red Sox 1, Yankees 0 in 17 innings. It breaks down like this:
Roger Clemens, despite hitting six batters, will pitch a no-hitter for 10 innings, before being relieved by Mariano Rivera, who will escape bases-loaded, no-out jams in 11th and 12th innings. Pedro Martinez will hit 10 batters, walk six batters and allow 1 hit, a single to Enrique Wilson of course, but will shockingly induce 8 double-play ground outs, 4 from Jason Giambi, before leaving after 8 innings with a pitch-count of 232.
He will be relieved by Tim Wakefield, who will strike out every batter for the duration of the game, except Giambi, who will ground out every time in what would have been double plays had anybody had been on base.
In the top of the 17th inning, Jeff Weaver, chocking on the dust he\'s collected from sitting in the Yankees bullpen, will allow a two-out triple to Todd Walker. Joe Torre will then elect to intentionally walk Garciaparra and Ramirez to load the bases, after which Weaver will promptly balk home Walker with the go-ahead run before an 0-2 pitch to Kevin Millar to give the Sox the 1-0 lead.
In the bottom of the 17th, Tim Wakefield takes the mound to face Giambi, who at this point is approximately 0-for-12. Torre, upset at his pricy slugger, calls upon Don Zimmer to pinch hit. Wakefield throws a 27-mile-per-hour fastball off Zimmer\'s ass and the ball bounces back to Wakefield. Zimmer charges Wakefield, but runs out of breath while trying to rush up the mound, and immediately retires from baseball, then goes and blubbers about it at a press conference that nobody attends because the game is still being played. Meanwhile, with Giambi on first, who was allowed to re-enter and pinch run for Zimmer because the Yanks have nobody left, Wakefield throws a knuckleball to first base to pick off Giambi for the first out. Grady Little then stuns the crowd by removing Wakefield and activating Byung-Yun Kim off the inactive roster to, "do an outstanding job to reverse an outstanding curse and defeat an oustanding Yankees team." Kim immediately walks the bases loaded, then gets Nick Johnson to pop up to Varitek behind the plate, who applies the tag to Bernie Williams, who tried to score from third.
Byung-Yun Kim is named ALCS MVP, Zimmer\'s press conference runs for three days and interrupts Fox\'s coverage of Sweaty Fuck Bungalow, Pedro Martinez and Roger Clemens quit baseball, attend musician\'s school, and join Herbie Hancock\'s band to promote the re-release of "Headhunters," and Jeff Weaver and the dope who interfered at Wrigley Field the other night are fried alive in goat milk on pay-per-view to benefit the Foundation Against Overpaid Pitchers and Selfish Jerks Who Put Their Own Needs to Collect Souveniers Ahead of Those Who Are Trying to Get Their Team in the World Series for the First Time in Fifty Years After Having Just Worked Their Ass Off for the Past Six Months (really, a marvelous organization).
Oh yeah, the Red Sox will sweep the Marlins in the World Series and the Mets will trade their entire team, except for Jorge Velandia of course, to the Sox for Tim Wakefield, who will start every game next season as the Mets go 162-0, and get swept by the Don Zimmer-managed Brewers in the first round.
It\'s been a great October. Let\'s keep it going. Best sport ever.
Chris Pitch
Remember, the only the curse is having inferior pitching.
