The Five Worst Things About Valentines Day1. Those Fucking Valentine Conversation Heart Candies
Everyone’s eaten them, the crappy, once a year chalk flavored candy known as ‘conversation hearts’. It’s a good thing these crumbly morsels are only served up one month of the year, because I don’t think Hanukkah hearts would be the same (I can only imagine the “Jews Are Good Writers” candy hearts just wouldn’t go over as well as say “Sweetheart”. How about some personalized candy hearts? I’d be glad to slip a “I Slept With Your Sister” or a “Guess Who Has Genital Warts” heart into some valentines by accident.
Now that\'s what I\'m saying, straight to the point...2. Bitter, Whining, Single Women
Look, ladies…we’ve all had our ups and downs, we all know how the world works. By now, you should know that Valentine’s Day is just a commercialized day in the short, retarded month that didn’t have any real holidays (sorry Martin Luther, but I don’t get presents on your birthday) made up by greeting card companies. So, why the long faces? So you don’t have a boyfriend…why can’t it just be a normal night, with you and your bucket of ice-cream (not the non-fat shit either, the real stuff) in front of a Friends on DVD marathon? Nope…you and your equally bitter single friends hit the bars in search of a shoulder to cry on, a free drink, and a bed for the night which you’ll regret when you pop up in the morning with a new STD. Quit whining, quit being bitter, and treat this fraudulent day like any other.
3. Balloons
I know it can’t be just me that thinks that balloons are the worst present someone can get. What’s the deal with balloons? Not only do they shrivel up in 2 days, but once they get loose from the bunch, they’re floating around the damn house and with vaulted ceilings, it’s a fucking chore getting those bad boys down…they don’t come when you call them. I wonder who got the balloon idea in the first place…”I don’t know what the hell to do for my girl for Valentine’s Day…maybe I’ll give her some blown up condoms on a string, that’ll get me laid.” I’d rather play Russian roulette with a tank than give balloons as a gift. Stop this fucking madness.
4. Pricks and Predators
I already mentioned them. These are the fuck sticks that hang out at the bars on Valentine’s Day just waiting for that broad to walk in who’s got the smeared mascara. He’s here for one purpose, and one purpose only…to fuck you in the most uncomfortable of places…yes, like the back of a Volkswagon. Now normally I’ve got nothing against guys who go to bars looking to pick up a skank who’ll be gone before the eggs hit the sunny-side up in the morning (hey, whatever floats your boat, heroin junkie)…but picking up vulnerable women late on Valentine’s Day? Shame on you, Hugh Grant, shame on you.
5. Online Flower Services
Using online flower services sounds like a great fucking idea, I know, my Valentine is pretty far away at the moment. But if you’re just one of those cocks who’s too lazy to go to the florist and hand pick what you’re giving to your sweetheart for V-Day, you might want to order a pizza instead. Most of these bouquets don’t look half as full as the online photo (think: McDonalds…nothing looks like the picture, dammit), and if it gets there in one piece, you still have better probability than not that they didn’t even get the order right. Online flower services SUCK. Get off of your ass and pick that shit by hand, Mr. Romance.
