Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris\' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
Assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
Beard, deflecting them. JFK\'s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris had his own version of Punk\'d. Only in his version, he
would walk around and roundhouse kick people in the throats.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother\'s womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.
Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris
ate 12 Asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus\' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence
to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris\'s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU
RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
Holding his girlfriend\'s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don\'t
*beep* with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony
of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
radius of the blast went deaf.
To prove it isn\'t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked
15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds
of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat
that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn\'t stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
Wednesday of the month.
In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton
for one scene and nobody noticed.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If
you\'re thinking to yourself, "That\'s impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on
his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Those aren\'t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually
a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that
day.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she
was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris\' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris appeared in "Street Fighter II" but was removed by beta testers after they found out that every button caused Norris to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about the glitch, Norris replied, "that\'s no glitch."
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can\'t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris died three years ago, but the grim reaper doesn\'t have the guts to tell him.
Hellen Keller\'s favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once pulled a bus full of school children teetering over the edge of a cliff back onto the road with his bare hands, saving everybody inside. Even as they cheered, he screamed, "I\'m not your savior!" and headbutted the bus over the edge, sending them all to their horrible doom.
In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris\' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson\'s disease.
Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn\'t was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris\'s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*ck down.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive
****. There were no survivors.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose\'s
****.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn\'t lifting himself up, he\'s pushing the Earth down
