thebreakfast.info
General Discussions => Spunk => Topic started by: derickw on April 05, 2007, 02:56:05 pm
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How do you make a dead baby float?
2 scoops of ice cream, 2 scoops of dead baby
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Q. Whats the difference between Martin Luther King Day and St. Patricks Day?
A. Everyone pretends to be Irish on St. Patricks Day.
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During the cold war, the different intelligence agencies were always playing games to see who was better.
During one of the games, MI-5, the CIA and the KGB decide to have a hunting compitition, with the target game being a living rabit.
The English agent, hunting for foxes and rabbits in his spare time, thinks he can do it quiet easily, and rushes off into the woods. He returns about an hour later with a slightly mauled, but still living rabbit.
The American calmly walks into the woods and comes back about a half-hour latter with a rabbit in a trap.
The Russian, who had been watching his counter parts with modest intrigue walks into the forest.
He comes back 5 minutes later with a serverly beaten monkey who is screaming "OKAY, OKAY, I CONFESS; I AM A RABBIT"
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Tell me if you"ve heard this one.
A dumb blonde reads in her beauty m agazine about how taking a milk bath will make her skin soft & silky.
That night she puts a note for the milkman to leave 16 gallons of milk. The milkman thinks she must have made a mistake and knocks on the door. She answers and he asks her if she really meant to order 16 gallons of milk. She explains to him about the benefits of a milk bath. He asks if she wants pasteurize and she answers, "No, up to my **** is fine."
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ha! skiprince outta nowhere!
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If Russia attacked Turkey from behind would Greece help?
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Way too much bitching and complaining around here lately...so I\'ll lighten the mood with some dirty jokes!
What\'s the ultimate rejection?
When you\'re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other one.
Why do the Welsh shag sheep on cliff edges?
So the sheep push back harder!
What\'s better than a rose on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.
How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we\'re starting to get on each other\'s nerves. Why don\'t we split up today. I\'ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we\'ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.
"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn\'t find her head."
An old man and woman, after flirting with each other for years, agree to make love. One day when all the other residents are on a day out, the old man impatiently rushes to the old dear\'s room.
Nervously, he asks her if there is anything that she prefers. She repies that she quite enjoys a bit of cunnilingus.
With a big grin, the old guy goes south. However, after a few seconds, the man pops back up and says, "I\'m sorry, but I just can\'t bear the smell."
She thinks for a moment ans says, "It must be the arthritis."
"There\'s no way you can get arthritis down there," he says, "And even if you could, it wouldn\'t smell as bad as that."
"No the arthritis is in my shoulder," she says, "I can\'t wipe my arse."
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I also spelling Brezhnev wrong.
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cmon tim....taking shots at the elderly and then grammar policing......you\'re much more creative than that. ;)
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This misspelling of parrot does not effect the joke.
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did you mean "parrot"?
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Back in East Germany, in the later 70s, the Priemier bought a pariot. Much to his dismay, and all of his friends enjoyment, the only thing the pariot would say is "Down with Breshnev!" over and over. The Priemer makes them promise never to say anything about it to anyone.
One day, his door bell rings and it is Breshnev on a surprise visit. Freaking out about his pet, he throws it in the freezer.
After talking about the world, Breshnev says "I would like some vodka." The Priemer, goes pale and says "Its in the frezer."
Breshnev stands from the table and walks over to open the frezer. The pariot flys out saying "Long live Breshnev! Long live Breshnev!"
Breshnev pours the ashen Priemer a glass of vodka and says "It\'s amazing what a little Siberia can do to you."
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Happy bday!
An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.
After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.
She said, "I can\'t do this, I have acute angina".
The old guy says "God, I hope so, you\'ve got the ugliest **** I\'ve ever seen."
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wait.....who?
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late one night a husband and wife start going at it... hearing a bunch of noise the son walks in the dad looks over with a big smile on his face and gives the kid a thumbs up, the kid turns around and walks out. later that night all the sudden the dad wakes up to some noise coming from the bathroom and goes to see whats going on. opens the door and sees the son going at with his grandma. the dad says what the hell are you doing the kid turns to him says, it\'s not so funny when it\'s your mother.
Thats is a Walsh quality tasteless joke.
This would make him proud. Can hear him telling this joke in North Carolina somewhere this morning.
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late one night a husband and wife start going at it... hearing a bunch of noise the son walks in the dad looks over with a big smile on his face and gives the kid a thumbs up, the kid turns around and walks out. later that night all the sudden the dad wakes up to some noise coming from the bathroom and goes to see whats going on. opens the door and sees the son going at with his grandma. the dad says what the hell are you doing the kid turns to him says, it\'s not so funny when it\'s your mother.
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While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his **** covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I\'ve got bad news for you, you\'ve contracted Mongolian VD. It\'s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers: "I\'m sorry, there\'s no known cure. We\'re going to have to amputate your ****." The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."
The doctor replies: "Well, it\'s your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he\'ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his **** and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease."
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my ****!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!"
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christ, boozy, where did you dig those up?
why does my gramma have a hard time peeing in the morning?
well have you ever tried to pull apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
sorry grandma, i love you
ps
i hate you george, you just gave me nightmares for a month
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What do condoms and women have in common?
They\'re either on your dick or in your wallet!
What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing, they’re stuck up ****
At the exact same time there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is receiving oral sex from a 98 year old woman. They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. What are they both thinking? Don’t look down!
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the banks internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes Scattered throughout the bank. The robbers **** the first safe’s combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank’s audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we’ll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, Uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.
Didja hear that diarrhea\'s hereditary?
Yeah, it runs in the jeans!
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It’s fart football." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7." Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed. The wife looks and says, "What was that?" The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."
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Come down to Raleigh...and I will be;)
::Jokes STOLEN::
When I said "I can almost hear Walsh saying them" I was being literal. You\'re really loud.
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Come down to Raleigh...and I will be;)
::Jokes STOLEN::
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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain\'t no use knockin\', there\'s no paper on this side either!"
A crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $1000.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the old biker , "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
What is the most popular pick up line at gay bars?
Can i push in your stool for you?
An old man and a small boy are walking into the woods late at night. The boy turns to the man and says "I\'m scared". The man looks at the boy and says "You\'re scared? I\'m walking out of here alone!"
Those last 2 would truly make Walsh proud. I can almost hear him saying them.
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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain\'t no use knockin\', there\'s no paper on this side either!"
A crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $1000.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the old biker , "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
What is the most popular pick up line at gay bars?
Can i push in your stool for you?
An old man and a small boy are walking into the woods late at night. The boy turns to the man and says "I\'m scared". The man looks at the boy and says "You\'re scared? I\'m walking out of here alone!"
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A Greek, an Italian and a Jew die and go to whenever.
When they are their they are told that they will all be given one task and if they make it through, they will goto paradise, otherwise, anti-paradise.
The task is to walk down a road of temptation and not stray.
So they are walking and a beautiful woman apears from behind a bush.
Poof. The Italian disapears. (Italians are tempted by beautiful women)
A pile of gold apears in the middle of the road.
The Jew bends over to pick it up.
Poof. The Greek disapears.
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This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blonde\'s are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said . . .
\'FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS\'
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:no::no:
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what did one lesbian vampire say to another?
Same time next month?
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An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "you\'re in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "you\'re in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "you\'re in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, "Why didn\'t you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th\' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin\' him either."
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...
"SUPPLIES!!"
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Guy walks into a proctologists office. Looks up and says,
"Doc, I got this horrible problem, my ass is all stretched out and ****."
The Doc says "Lets have a look at it"
So the dude pulls down his pants and the Doc says
"Wow, youre **** sure is all streched out, what happened?"
the guy says
"Oh man it hurts so bad, ill tell you doc, its messed up, but i got **** by an elephant!"
The doc says,
"Well that doesnt really make any sense sir, because an elephants dick is long and skinny and your ass is busted apart!"
so the guy says
"yeah well doc, he fingered me first!"
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Be careful when you are feeling down. I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
badoom boom.
you don\'t see me hopping around talking about playing this note and that composition....... please.... keep doing what you do and leave the joke telling to the professionals.
just kidding tmn8r. always glad to see contributions
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Be careful when you are feeling down. I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
badoom boom.
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A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy wants some dirty fun and says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, “Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!?
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think he\'s too far in."
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you\'re going?" he says. "I\'m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I\'m coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"
Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "Oh no! That’s not how I want to spend all eternity......." They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says "Oh no! Not for me!"
They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, "Hmmm, looks okay to me. I’ll take it." The Devil then says, "Good. Hey Monica, you’ve been replaced."
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Here\'s a joke my bass teacher told me years ago, if you play bass you may find it funny. The joke is that motherfuckers always start talking during bass solos...
So a married couple go to a psychiatrist because they are having marriage problems. The psychiatrist asks the man what the problem is. He replies, "It\'s my wife, she never says anything to me, we haven\'t spoken in years!" The psychiatrist then turns to the woman and asks the same question. She replies, "I don\'t know whats wrong with him, he never says anything to me." The psychiatrist then tries everything he can to make them talk to one another, but it doesn\'t work.
So he stands up and walks to his closet, grabs a bass and amplifer and sets them up on his desk. He starts ripping out the most amazing bass solo and the couple immediately start talking.
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If you guys like jokes, and even more so jokes told on the radio, then I would like to suggest y\'all check out Prairie Home Companions Great Joke Show, annually, whenever they do it.
My favourite joke of all time comes from there:
"Why do elephants post their toe nails red?"
"So they can hide in cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?"
"No."
"It must work pretty well then, eh?"
That might be the worst joke ever. Right up there with: Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks "why the long face?"
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If you guys like jokes, and even more so jokes told on the radio, then I would like to suggest y\'all check out Prairie Home Companions Great Joke Show, annually, whenever they do it.
My favourite joke of all time comes from there:
"Why do elephants post their toe nails red?"
"So they can hide in cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?"
"No."
"It must work pretty well then, eh?"
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there are three guys on their way back from a raging christmas party when the driver skids on some black ice and the car crashes, killing all three. they find themsaelves standing at the pearly gates, faced by none other than Saint Peter himself. He says to th the three guys " if you want to pass through the pearly gates you must each show me a little christmas spirit."
what, have you heard this one?
**** it
so the first guy thinks for a sec then pulls out his lighter and flicks the flame. \'"look St. Pete, christmas lights!" he says. Saint Peter allows him to enter the pearly gates. the second guy thinks for a sec then pulls out his keys and jingles them. "Look, its jingle bells!" he says. Saint Peter lets him into heaven. The third guy thiks for a sec then pulls out some panties from his back pocket. "What are those?!" asks Saint Peter. The third guy says, "They\'re Carol\'s!"
not really dirty, but i heard it from a dirty old man
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ahh what the hell...
A man walks into a bar with a head the size of a tennis ball. When he sits down the bartender asks him what he\'ll have. The guy says, "Well its been a long day, give me something strong." The bartender returns with a whiskey and asks the guy about his day. The guy says, "its a long story, but here it goes;"
"I was taking a walk in the woods, like i do every sunday, but this time I tripped and fell. I looked back to see what i stumbled on, and it was a genies lamp. So the first thing I do is pick it up and give it a rub. To my surprise, the most beautiful being you could ever imagine popped out and she told me she would grant any wish that I had."
"Nice," said the bartender.
"Yeah well, enchanted by how amazingly beautiful this genie was the first thing that came to mind was to ask her to marry me."
"What did she say?" asked the bartender.
"She said that she couldn\'t possibly do that, because she was a genie and I was a human."
"Thats too bad, so what did you wish for after that."
"I asked her to have sex with me. But she said she couldn\'t do that either."
"I\'m sorry buddy" The bartender said, "What did you wish for after that?"
"So i just said..." The guy replied, "How \'bout a little head?"
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^^^^ nice!
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One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the women
became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the
other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the women was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered. He whispered back, "I found the remote!"
LOLersk8tes!
great idea indeed
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I\'m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
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One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the women
became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the
other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the women was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered. He whispered back, "I found the remote!"
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On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, \'Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?\' The kid says, \'Yeah.\' The cop says, \'Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.\' The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, \'By the way, that\'s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?\' Humouring the kid, the cop says, \'Yeah, he sure did.\' The kid says, \'Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.\'
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nice one!
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great idea
This guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. As he is waiting for his drink he sees this sign on the wall. ‘If you can make this horse laugh, the bar will give you $100’. The man thinks to himself as he sips his beer. He then takes the horse out back behind the bar. When he comes inside the horse is laughing hysterically (insert horse laugh). The bartender asks how the man was able to do this, but he keeps it to himself and just collects his $100. A few days later the same man walks into the bar. He sits down and sees a different sign on the wall. ‘If you can make this horse cry, the bar will give you $500.’ After a few moments of thinking the man again takes the horse our back. Within a minute the man and horse come back inside and the horse is frantically crying. The bartender is shocked to see such a thing. He then says, “I will give you the $500 but you must first tell me how you made this horse laugh one day then cry today.” The man replies, “Last time I told the horse I had a bigger dick than him. This time I showed him."
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i run across a interesting joke or two every now and then but can\'t always remember them or hear a funny joke and never have the opportunity to bust it out so i\'m going to start this stupid thread and NOT yell in your ear telling it. We... well up here in RI a radio station every week has a segment they call stump the DJ and people call up with jokes and the radio guys try to guess the punchlines.... some are pretty damn funny.
Micheal Jackson and his wife have a kid and Micheal asks...
"how long before we can have sex"
and the doctor goes...
"i would wait till he\'s at least 12......."
Q: What do you call the wife of a Hippie?
A: Mississippi.
:rimshot: