Happy bday!
An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.
After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.
She said, "I can\'t do this, I have acute angina".
The old guy says "God, I hope so, you\'ve got the ugliest
**** I\'ve ever seen."
Back in East Germany, in the later 70s, the Priemier bought a pariot. Much to his dismay, and all of his friends enjoyment, the only thing the pariot would say is "Down with Breshnev!" over and over. The Priemer makes them promise never to say anything about it to anyone.
One day, his door bell rings and it is Breshnev on a surprise visit. Freaking out about his pet, he throws it in the freezer.
After talking about the world, Breshnev says "I would like some vodka." The Priemer, goes pale and says "Its in the frezer."
Breshnev stands from the table and walks over to open the frezer. The pariot flys out saying "Long live Breshnev! Long live Breshnev!"
Breshnev pours the ashen Priemer a glass of vodka and says "It\'s amazing what a little Siberia can do to you."
This misspelling of parrot does not effect the joke.
cmon tim....taking shots at the elderly and then grammar policing......you\'re much more creative than that.
I also spelling Brezhnev wrong.
Way too much bitching and complaining around here lately...so I\'ll lighten the mood with some dirty jokes!
What\'s the ultimate rejection?
When you\'re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other one.
Why do the Welsh shag sheep on cliff edges?
So the sheep push back harder!
What\'s better than a rose on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.
How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we\'re starting to get on each other\'s nerves. Why don\'t we split up today. I\'ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we\'ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.
"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn\'t find her head."
An old man and woman, after flirting with each other for years, agree to make love. One day when all the other residents are on a day out, the old man impatiently rushes to the old dear\'s room.
Nervously, he asks her if there is anything that she prefers. She repies that she quite enjoys a bit of cunnilingus.
With a big grin, the old guy goes south. However, after a few seconds, the man pops back up and says, "I\'m sorry, but I just can\'t bear the smell."
She thinks for a moment ans says, "It must be the arthritis."
"There\'s no way you can get arthritis down there," he says, "And even if you could, it wouldn\'t smell as bad as that."
"No the arthritis is in my shoulder," she says, "I can\'t wipe my arse."
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind would Greece help?
ha! skiprince outta nowhere!
Tell me if you"ve heard this one.
A dumb blonde reads in her beauty m agazine about how taking a milk bath will make her skin soft & silky.
That night she puts a note for the milkman to leave 16 gallons of milk. The milkman thinks she must have made a mistake and knocks on the door. She answers and he asks her if she really meant to order 16 gallons of milk. She explains to him about the benefits of a milk bath. He asks if she wants pasteurize and she answers, "No, up to my
**** is fine."
During the cold war, the different intelligence agencies were always playing games to see who was better.
During one of the games, MI-5, the CIA and the KGB decide to have a hunting compitition, with the target game being a living rabit.
The English agent, hunting for foxes and rabbits in his spare time, thinks he can do it quiet easily, and rushes off into the woods. He returns about an hour later with a slightly mauled, but still living rabbit.
The American calmly walks into the woods and comes back about a half-hour latter with a rabbit in a trap.
The Russian, who had been watching his counter parts with modest intrigue walks into the forest.
He comes back 5 minutes later with a serverly beaten monkey who is screaming "OKAY, OKAY, I CONFESS; I AM A RABBIT"
Q. Whats the difference between Martin Luther King Day and St. Patricks Day?
A. Everyone pretends to be Irish on St. Patricks Day.
How do you make a dead baby float?
2 scoops of ice cream, 2 scoops of dead baby