Once again I\'m really bored here at work on monday, so have fun with this.....
How to Forget Life Sucks
by Jason Farnon
How many times have you said this to yourself? Things just suck, people are stupid. You haven\'t washed in a while and are probably better off dead. Once again, cDc comes to the rescue. Here are some methods of passing the time until you die. They have been tested and proven to work. No guess work involved here... have fun.
1) Sleep
Seems pretty obvious, right? You\'d be amazed how many people overlook this. Here is a secret tip for you: did you know that you don\'t have to be tired or drowsy to sleep? I bet you didn\'t. Don\'t stay up thinking something cool is going to happen. Don\'t go hang out with people who suck as much as you. You know nothing cool will happen. It never does. But you waste your time like a moron going "out" and coming back with no satisfaction whatsoever. Why not just stay home and sleep? Your bed is warm, and nobody can bother you. You can\'t be frustrated with trying to do anything cool, because you never attempted anything to begin with.
Sleep eighteen hours a day if you can get away with it. Sleep any place where you know you will not get sodomized. You know you don\'t have to be social if your eyes are closed. I have learned that if people think you\'re sleeping, they won\'t try to talk to you. You know how much you hate that interaction thing. Plus, when you sleep, you\'ll feel better. For all the hours you\'ve wasted doing nothing, you could do something that makes you happy. Just accept that you will die a worthless piece of **** having contributed nothing worthwhile to this hypocritical shithole society. It makes doing nothing so much easier. They don\'t deserve your brilliance anyway.
2) Foreign Substances
Why not put things into your body that will give you a false sense of security, superiority, or confidence? I mean, as long as you are content, who cares what other people think? Remember, it\'s all in your mind. No matter what they say, no matter where they place you: in the end your demise will be your fault and your fault only. If you win in your mind, you can be burning to death while maggots chew on your eyes and still have a sense of accomplishment.
So you have decided to destroy your body with drugs. Good call. Acid will make you very happy, as you will appreciate things so much more. You see people being so damn happy... laughing, and you wonder how they can be so happy when we are slowly approaching the Apocalypse. You aren\'t at fault. They are just morons who are going to burn in Hell. But if you want to experience what they feel, drop acid. Everything will make sense. All of a sudden, the doorknob you took for granted will fascinate you to no end. Trees and lakes will be beautiful again, at least for twelve hours. Do a lot of acid. You have nothing to lose. You can only gain insight to their "other" world. No other drug is worth it. In addition, acid is very, very cheap. Even if it becomes a habit, it won\'t be one you\'ll have to sell your body for, only your furniture. **** up your mind is okay. Having skid marks is not. Marijuana is out of the question as it is easily detectable and will prevent you from getting your McJob.
As I was saying, the drugs with the quick rushes like nitrous, and drugs that are physically addictive like **** are just not worth it. I\'d rather not go into the ramifications. If you don\'t believe me, try for yourself. In fact, I encourage it. There will be less of you, and I will have a better chance of getting a confused and hopelessly lost Generation X woman.
Then there is alcohol. Alcohol is great. It makes you forget, and can be useful if you ever need to amputate a leg. Always carry some of your favorite beverage in a Thermos. Don\'t drink beer, beer is for stupid people. If you drink beer, may you rot in Hell. Alcohol is a big excuse. "Give me a break, man, I was drunk." **** you, pal, there are no breaks. Only losers drink at parties. Just sad people drink with other people. Cool people drink alone. You heard me, alone. Alone with an issue of _Stickboy_ and rad music.
When you drink alone, you can think. When you drink alone, you don\'t need other people to impress. Fact. You\'re drinking. No one needs to know you can drink half a keg without puking. Bar hopping is for ****. Alcohol will also help you get to sleep when some eternal questions are bugging you to no end.
3) Find Companionship
Find a girl. Yes. Find a girl. One more time. Find a girl. [I\'m a guy and this is my perspective. Other people, do the gender math.] It\'s not as hard as you may think. Let me rephrase that. Get a girl. If you look for one, you\'ll never find one. I think someone intelligent said that. You\'ll accidentally stumble into her, somehow. As long as you don\'t suck that much, it is inevitable. You may be introduced, or you might wind up in the same jail cell. Hold on to her. She will be your crutch in this cruel and disgusting world. Together the planet will be your toilet paper. You won\'t need anyone else, as now you\'re doing more than winning in your mind. You\'re winning in her mind, and that\'s so much more reassuring. Have violent angry sex, or whatever makes both of you happy. You will be happy. You\'ll cut your **** off if she asks you to. But you will not care. And then when you need her most, she\'ll disappear. After the physical aspect is taken for granted, you will realize that your relationship is ****. It has no damn substance. Just two lost children in a big confusing world, grabbing at anything in the dark. Now its time to do lots of acid and die.
4) Clubs
Go to shows or clubs and draw blood. Go to some stupid teen angst Nirvana show or something of that degree, and get into the pit. Make sure you bring small sharp objects. You see, the people at angst shows are wussies, and would never hurt you. Hurt them, bruise them, and inflict the pain on them that they deserve. Or go to a real show, and swing your arms and body around wildly. Most of the time, if you pass it off as dancing, nobody will bother you. You can injure yourself and other people and get your angst out. It\'s all angst. Just remember, you are not special. You suck! You are a **** cockroach that will be crushed by the intelligent ones. Or maybe you\'ll get picked up by some **** at the club. If you have taken my advice, you\'ve probably come to the club drunk out of your mind. Not having any idea what is going on, you decided it would be a super idea to have sex with this she-beast. Inevitably you will get AIDS, and will rot and your fingers will fall off. It\'s not a fun way to die, but you can be an **** by giving other people AIDS and spreading your disease.
5) Hit Your Head Against the Wall
This is a little bit like going to a show, but it\'s in a controlled environment. The harm you inflict on yourself relies completely on your sanity and tolerance for pain. If Big Biff from _Club Big Hair_ decides to decorate your face with his fist, there is no use arguing. Biff will stop when he pleases, most likely when it\'s last call. On the other hand, you can stop hitting your head on the wall any time you wish. Most likely the numbing pain will get to you, but that would be the exact thing you wanted to accomplish. The physical pain will help you forget the questions that have kept you up at night. Blood takes precedence over man\'s inhumanity to man.
6) Get a Job
Yeah, get a job. It\'s not as hard as you may you think. Even if you are lazy and would rather roll over and die, there are jobs intended for your mind-set! If you have an ounce of brain matter, you shouldn\'t have a problem finding a job. There are Generation X opportunities everywhere. Get a job that doesn\'t require a high school education. Even five dollars an hour adds up. You won\'t have time to think because you\'ll be too busy taking **** from you McManager. Everyday you will come home exhausted out of your mind. You won\'t have time to worry about how much things suck, because you will just be grateful to God that you are not working. This cycle continues until you die. There is another benefit of working. You\'ll have more money for drugs.
7) Fun With Your Bladder
You never thought that your bladder could make you happy. Just like everything else, you take your bladder for granted. For kicks, next time you have to urinate... don\'t. Don\'t urinate for a day or two, until the pain is excruciating. Then go to the bathroom. You will feel such stupendous satisfaction and relief, like nothing matters at all except for the fact that your bladder is empty. And you know what? It\'s true.
Destroy People Who Suck More Than You
This is my personal favorite. There are subsets of this which will be included later. Basically, you know who you\'re better than. The people who swim in ecstasy of their own stupidity... for them, ignorance is bliss. You sometimes wonder if you would be better off if you were like them. Probably so. Make them pay. Insult them, make fun of them and make their lives hell. Laughing at fat people and the handicapped is also not out of the question. Anything that will boost your ego by stepping on someone else\'s head. Sometimes you might get hurt, but it\'s worth it. You always win in your head anyway. If you need courage to insult people who are stupid but much larger than you, you can always resort to alcohol. It\'s such a wonderful invention. There are so many damn idiots. cDc wouldn\'t exist otherwise. Laugh at the grunge losers who still haven\'t had their umbilical cords cut. Laugh at the blind sheep getting **** by the media. Laugh at your insecure friends. You are above all of them. You are God.
9) Offend People
Offending people is a great pastime. You need to find a cause and run with it. Luckily, you don\'t have to know anything the cause to **** people off. Generally you can promote this cause with much more fervor if you have a bias one way or another with it. The possibilities are endless. Hand out NAMBLA literature in front of a church. Hold up a sign with a **** on it stating, "The uncircumcised have rights too." It\'s best to insult something that is very dear to someone, like something they have wasted (and \'wasted\' is the key word), their lives plugging away. A t-shirt that says "Breast cancer is good. More breathing room on the train" will definitely do the trick. Getting people angry with you will waste time, and you might actually get people to join your moronic cause. Then you can get money out of them. Look what it did for Scientology. Racism is also very important when you are offending people. There is nothing that offends people more than racism. You don\'t have to be a racist to practice racism at all. Buy a dirty joke book and make it your bible. Then you can stand in Harvard Square with a microphone saying things like, "How do you get a black guy out of a tree in Mississippi? Cut the rope!" Huh huh.
10) IRC
IRC stands for Internet Relay Chat. With IRC you can harass people and you can seek companionship, all from the comfort of your own home. IRC is an anarchy, and absolutely no rules apply. It is safe to assume this, at least most of the time. With IRC, a little technical knowledge goes a long, long way. **** IRC users take IRC to be some kind of virtual world where they can unwind. The truth is that IRC is like anything else on the Internet; a collection of TCP/IP connections and ASCII characters. There is no special privilege required to start a channel on IRC. Some channels to check out are:
#gayteen #gaysex #hottub #**** #suicide #talk #lesbian #blaklife #chat #lonely
You\'ll most likely find me on one of them on any given night. You see, people on these channels spend so much time on IRC because they are insecure stupid ****. They\'d rather hide behind their screens than deal with people in person. They are easy to annoy, and get very frustrated when their measly kicks and bans have no effect on you. They will attempt to mail your administrator. If your admin is cool, he\'ll tell \'em to **** off. Otherwise you might get a call from your parole officer (private joke).
I went there to harass people and some dork actually wanted to have virtual sex with me. It\'s amazing how **** pathetic people can get. Rot in Hell, Tonybear. Eventually I was banned, but I did have my chuckles. Another thing I enjoy flooding to #gaysex is ASCII breasts. Mail my cat if you want those. I will be glad to comply. The possibilities for IRC are endless, and the best part is that you don\'t have to leave your house!
11) Stare at a Picture of Tori Amos
Trust me.
12) Install Hardware and Play Old Wares
Installing cool hardware and playing wares is something you can do to pass the time. Hardware is impartial. It either works or it doesn\'t. Flip a couple of jumpers and the sound card works. No such luck with the other problems in life. Things cannot get too complicated with hardware. If hardware pisses of you off enough, just slam it against the wall. Stomp on it until it is a mangled circuit board. Hardware will be sorry the day it tried to **** with you. Who says you always lose? You just kicked ass!
Playing really old wares will get your mind off of things. Endless hours at _Donkey Kong_ will do the trick. Amass outrageous numbers of old 8-bit Atari, Commodore, and Apple II games. Contemporary stuff is way too complicated, and often requires typing. If you have to type, it\'s too much effort. Games that only use two arrow keys are great. Play until your eyes bleed. You will die soon. Hey, if you complain about how much you suck enough, I\'ll do you a favor and kill you. Make both of us happy.
13) Kill Yourself
Seems like the obvious answer, right? Well I feel suicide is the last possible solution. For starters, killing yourself takes way too much **** energy, plus you might make someone happy. God forbid that might happen. A human life is just way too valuable. You may not think this, but its true. No matter if it does massive amounts of good, or better yet massive amounts of evil, it has so much damn power. You can make so many stupid people miserable. Why would you want to give all of that up? If you do go, go with a bang. Any wuss can swallow fifty aspirins. Be rad, light yourself on fire. Stand up for what you really believe in. Shoot your elected representatives. Shoot your neighbor\'s dog. Drive across the country shooting minorities. Then do it again the other direction and shoot majorities. Do something that they will never forget. And then when it can\'t get any worse, with everyone on your ass, it gets better. You kill yourself. You are now less miserable, and have way fewer responsibilities.
14) Stare at the Wall
This one I picked up from someone I loiter with on the phone often. It is not a personal favorite of mine, as I would rather sleep. He speaks highly of it, however. If you have the patience to stare at the wall for a long time, you will begin to see amazing things. We take walls for granted, you know. I personally do not have the patience to look at a wall for prolonged periods of time.
15) Write Textfiles
Write textfiles. Be an art fag. Wear all black, smoke cloves, and wait to die. You have so much damn anger and energy. Don\'t let it go to waste. Unite, and crush the opposition. Always remember that you are superior, and they are miserable whether they look it or not. Pipe you anger into something constructive and kick some **** ass. And when in doubt, place your thumb a few inches from your index finger and scream, "I\'m crushing your head!"
hey come on there\'s some funny
**** in there.....
I like the one about not peeing for 3 days.
"Now its time to do lots of acid and die."
brilliant
Good stuff Me!... my monday sucked hard (in stark contrast to my glorious weekend) and now Mike Mussina is running a train on the Red Sox. It\'s gonna be time for #1 (sleep) pretty soon.
That dude is definitely right though... even 5 bux an hour (8.50 in my case..woohoo) adds up. and "You\'ll have more money for drugs."... yep. Let\'s do \'em!
11) Stare at a Picture of Tori Amos
Trust me.
Not doing anything for me. :idunno:
I like the one about not peeing for 3 days.
Trust me, it\'s not all it\'s
**** up to be. I wish I could bomb the people who make Benadryl :hair:
what does benadryl have to do with not being able to pee?
^^
toss back a bottle of the stuff and you\'ll find out
what does benadryl have to do with not being able to pee?
some active ingredient(s) in some allergy medicines (my experience was with Benadryl), side effect causes urinary retention in some people (myself included, and I dont remember what the doctor told was the ingredient that does so, so I haven\'t taken any allergy medicine this year at all). TRUST ME, NOT FUN!
^^
diphenhydramine
might want to avoid Unisom sleep tabs as well, they have the same ingredient
bd you know a lot about meds that make you not pee
"Together the planet will be your toilet paper. "
i just found my new pick up line.